My 3rd Dimension

i miss you. from the bottom of my heart. i miss you.

i have to tell myself. don't miss you.

i haven't seen you online for the whole day. and i know you've been away. but i still hope for a 'miracle' that you would show up somehow.

even if you're online, would i text you? yes. i would. yes. i will.

would i tell you that, i miss you? no. i won't. i dare not cross the line. so soon.

i don't know. is it i'm too sensitive. but, i guess... you feel me differently, right?

sigh. why can't i control my feelings.

it's too fast, too furious.

it could be just because i'm too lonely. and i need someone to be with me. and you are being so mature. guiding me. comforting me. clearing my doubts. showing me ways.

that melts my heart. totally. undefenseably.

i wonder. would i receive your email tomorrow.

i wonder. how our conversation to be once you're back.

i wonder. are we really gonna end up somewhere.

i wonder. are you really the one.

i wonder. how is it going to work out.

i.miss.you. B

i really don't know how this happen... but... it's.. unbelievable undescribable feeling... i don't know how real is this.. but i miss him.. my heart beats for him... i think of him almost every now and then... he is so far away... things seem to be not possible... i don't know what is that umph thing so magically trigger me after such a long while... i know him, less than a week? .. but.. probably is his maturity, and his rational, and his loving kindness that really touch my heart, at my lowest weakest state of mind...

ask me some questions, i will relate all questions and thoughts to him now..
think of a name : (it gonna be his name)
think of a song: (it gonna be the song he sends over to me)
think of a conversation: (i will think of the last conversation i have with him)

i'll make sure i'm on msn as often as i could.. i would check whether he is online every now and then.. if i saw him blinking, my heart starts beating too.. but i dare not talk to him first... or.. i will find an excuse to start the conversation, but not so obviously...

thinking of him... i put a smile on unconsciously...

tell me.. am i in love...?

i'm stupid. yes. i don't know why. is just a name of hers on a fwd email to him, fwd to me. why am i even think of... 'huh! he ever like her...' .. and come on lah... he is not even my anyone.... even if they still keep in touch.. it's jst like he is my friend, so he is her friend too... even if they are really together one day... it is not my business bah....

stupid.

i want to get in love with someone...

i'm created to be loved, and to love...

sigh

1) I'm still single... > i'm reading the book. (yea, though I'm also wondering the same question)... i'm still reading it. it's not as "sexual" as i think it would be (though i'm only 1/5 way through, it maybe so the more i read? i don't know, i shall see then... *wink). it's basically a book written up like a ... who-he-was, who-he-is, his-story, his-experience... it's about Eric's story & life. The american english and joke is a bit 'deep' for me sometimes that i would catch no balls... :p but, still a not-bad to read... coz it costs me quite a bit.. so no matter what, out of kia-su-ness (don't want to lose) or whatever reason, i have to finish the book - and thereafter, maybe bid it off @ Ebay... :P

2) someone asked me whether i'm steady with someone, and said he wants to know me better.. and he wish i was there with him so he could show me around.. and... he is, he could be, 50yrs old+.. i don't know.. i never ask him.. but he does look as 'old' and mature as my dad.. ;p he told me, he was married 7 years ago, and now he is single... =.='' i can't believe i've attracted an "old man" - well, not that old*... but definitely, i never thought i would attract such a age... hahahah..* and well, i guess he is rich... he is an MD for a resort, mind you! and golf and yacht seems to be his past-time...

3) at times, i would think... perhaps i could be just naughty and hang around, fool around.. why not? i'm single. i'm eligible. i'm available. :p if, and only if, i'm not 'traditionally moralised'.

em... should i give him a itchy sms? :P

maybe i shall not call it 'lust', it's just the nature awakening of that something in me.

was away for a week. been into the nature. into the sea. i never know i would love the sea so much. as a non professional swimmer, i never dare to dream of going scuba diving or snorkeling or even just swimming in the sea. i love swimming, but only in the pool. now, i love swimming in the sea, too.

it was, and it is still... a unforgettable experience. probably because of him. i do not know him. all i know is his name is Ben, he is a part time lifeguard at the beach. he is dark, strong, with the smell of man. attractive not because of his look, but... i don't know.. there is this x-factor in him. i was struggling hard to reach the corals and fishes, when he suddenly appeared next to me, and grab my hand and swim forward. within seconds, i saw fishes, i saw corals... all types of beautiful creatures swimming around us...

just the two of us. swimming into the deep blue sea. we could hear each other's heart beats. due to my unsteady swimming technique, i have to cling on to him so much. he wrapped me up so much. we hugged... but we didnt kissed.. we should have? it has been a while since i last hugged a man like that. so warm. so caringly. so gently.

when we finally parted by the beach, pinch of missing him is in the air. but of some reasons, mutually we didn't leave behind any notes to carry on further. though he did ask, i don't know why i hesitated, and smile away. maybe, i just know that, it's for lust, and not for future. maybe, i just know that it's a sparkle of the summer which would remain forever sweet in memories.

it has been a week. i still miss that nature driven thirst of love and care. it is magical. it is amazing. in the sea. the wildness. the excitement. the yearn. the zest. the eroticism.

would i see you again?

sometimes i wonder, i ponder.. why do i need a change? changes in work, changes in my social life, changes in my habits, changes in stepping out of my comfort zone...

and i think there is only one reason afterall - because i want to meet more people, so that eventually i would meet my Mr. Right somehow.

I think I'm getting a bit out-of-mind... everytime i see a 'new guy', be it a friend's friend, or a new friend, or whoever..~! i would start wondering - is he the one? is he the possible one?

eeeek.. i think this is so sick! i need a change, for this!

isn't this making my life such a "pathetic", chasing after the "get-my-Mr.Right-and- to-get-married" thingy?

why can't i just live a life without marriage?

Well, i'm too scared to be left alone, i guess.

i need a lover. but, do i need a marriage?

my upbringing says, eventually it is - to go towards the marriage.

but, there is too much of the commitment to be bound in a marriage. family of both sides, financial, freedom, habits, preferences...etc. but, again, why not? if you really love that someone so much so so much, why are you 'scared' of 'commitment' and 'responsibilities' and even "compromises"? that should be the way love should be, isn't it?

well, guess there is another reason for marriage - for some religious 'geeks' - so that they could have legally blessed sex. because, bible says, there shall not be sex outside marriage. so you got to get married so that you could enjoy sex.

what's marriage then? must it be legally signed and endorsed by the legally legally? or is it just a mutual understanding and commitment that - Yes, i take you as my hubby, and you take me as your wifey.. that's all~ from today onwards, we shall be loyal and genuine to each other, not having any physical or mentally affairs with any other 3rd party? is it so? how difficult is it? is it difficult? but, isn't that the common basic idea even without marriage - what i mean is, isn't that the principle for a couple to be together? then what makes the difference to get married or no? just to 'tie down' each other?

well... i think for people who are in it for marriage, they just know the beauty and sweetness of being married. You would know, legally, you are become one. i don't know how to explain and express, but while writing all this... i just suddenly have a glimpse of it... and i think i got it...

i still think... marriage is a wonderful thing...