My 3rd Dimension

sometimes... i tend to, and i allow myself, to indulge in the opaque world of the virtually... maybe it is the hidden me, it is the forbidden me... due to my background, my upbringing, and the environment.. there are a lot of limitation and restriction.. the do's and the don'ts... in the vague virtual reality, on the other hand, enables me, giving me the chance, to be another self of me... this is how absurd i could be...

i am lonely, i am weak... i need a companion.. i need a lover.. i need to love and be loved.. in reality, i have certain requirement and constraints... however in the obscure cyberspace, i have all the freedom to cross over the lines, to taste the "taboo" - not saying that i would go for the extreme of having affairs with the married man, or even become a lesbian.. that's still not acceptable to me personally... however, i wouldn't mind to even get lost in the cyberly with someone i wouldn't think of being with in reality... someone younger than me, someone boyish to me, someone with a totally different lifestyle, someone in a different culture, religion, belief, behavior, value, personality, character..etc.

it could be the attention-seeking process... while i enjoy sharing every bits of my daily life, or my past.. and vice-versa.. and sooner or later.. some kind of chemistry unknowingly creep in... when i start to subconsciously thinking of him... and how to juggle this feeling well... for some people, they just let it develop naturally.. and that's how new era of socializing habits evolve in the cyberly.. of course, when I clearly know it is just an 'unacceptable affair', or a relation I would not want to progress in the reality, then I have to control the overflowing feelings from the further explosive results.. if I continue to let it go haywired, then i have to be responsible for anything which is going to happen...

how antinomy this is... i know i wouldn't want this to happen in the reality, i know there is no future, i know we don't suit into each other's reality life... yet, i still let the feeling to enroot deeper and deeper.. why? to fill up the empty lonely part? to zest the affectionate? or is it i'm just tyring to let go the overloaded love and care in me that i have and i want to give out... or what?

sometimes, i can't even understand myself... i'm seeing it coming... but, i just couldn't stop myself.. again...

i miss him... every time he text me, i would feel so in-the-smile... i want to tell him everything.. i want to know everything about him... i want to own him... i want me to be his someone special.. i want to be with him...

but.. i know.. i can't.... because it won't be everlasting, it won't work out, it just doesn't mean to be that way it should be...